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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Gah! I've gone missing again!

The past couple weeks are going NOT WELL.

After the Hubs lost his job, I moped (and therefore inhaled things) for a few days.

But now, no time to inhale.  Also no time to think or exercise.

I'm prepping things, revamping bills, cancelling cable, pre-cooking meals so the food we already have doesn't go bad (did I mention we're waiting for a review on whether we'll get unemployment.  yeahhh), looking for more side-jobs (or hell, a 'front' job if someone will hire me).

ADD to that, that the Small One is starting his transition home.  Meaning packing bags, extra appointments, and dealing with some truly impressive behavioral stuff.

So time to take care of myself is in short supply.  Which is something that is often true for many of us... but wow.  It's a major issue in my life (always putting others first... but not in a good way) which probably (and by probably I mean DUH) affects my weight as well.  I had been making progress (Guitar lessons, anyone?  Yeah, those are cancelled due to finances.  Sigh.)... now... well.

So that's what's happening.  Hopefully I'll have time to refocus and make some progress after Thanksgiving.  Hopefully back in the 260's (or better) by the holidays...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Challenge Aborted...

The first day of the challenge was perfect.  I even had pictures of each meal (and lemmie tell ya, kale is NOT for me.  Holy fuck.).  I worked out hard, and ate around 1300 calories (so I netted about 700, schweeeet).

And then yesterday happened.

My Husband lost his job.  Second one in a year.  This time there's no severance or health insurance because he was flat out 'let go,' as opposed to getting caught up in layoffs at the last job.

I proceeded to emotionally react and panic eat for a couple hours.  We know how that goes.

I thought about getting back on the challenge today, but then I looked in my fridge at how many things could be used in premade meals and frozen for the future.  Meaning we could afford to have 'good' veggies in our diet for at least a month (unemployment- which may or may not kick- in juuust covers the mortgage and electric.  Car insurance and food come out of savings.  Ramen, here we come.  Fuck.).

So, challenge aborted in the interest of the whole family being healthy a little longer.

Hopefully he lines something up very, very soon...
 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Food Challenge Next Week...

I think I'm overdue for a food challenge.

Not to mention that a week of Halloween candy floating around leads me to believe I might need to reboot my system a bit.  Yikes.

I am as yet breaking down exactly what I will be doing.

I'm thinking mostly Paleo (ish), with a leaning towards raw foods as well.

I considered doing just raw for a week, but with a Husband and kid to feed, and without the time to cook (well, prepare) multiple meals every evening, it's not realistic.

I'll be going high in protein, low-ish in carbs (fruits and veggies ok, bread not so much), low in dairy (Paleo calls for none, but Metformin calls for at least 4oz of milk to coat my stomach when I take it.  Either that or bread.  I'll go milk or yogurt.), and fruits and veggies will be raw most of the time (steamed at dinner with the fam).  I'll be cutting back on salt, and eliminating added fats and oils.

I doubt this would be sustainable long term, but I think it's just what I need to reset my cravings and cleanse my system a bit.

I'll try to post meal plans as I work them out...

I will also be sticking with my combination exercise plan I've been doing for a while.  Cardio, weights, and interval training rotated 5 days a week.  I will be adding dance classes soon (yay Groupon)- but I'm not sure whether it will be next week or not.  If it is, I'll mention it in the daily breakdowns.

Wish me luck!


********************************************************************************


Here are my plans:



Food Challenge Outline

Breakfast:
Green Tea, Egg(s), 1 Raw Veg., 1 Fruit

Snack:
1 Fruit, 1 Serving Nuts

Lunch:
1 Green Leafy Veg., 1 Raw Veg., 1 Serving Seeds, 1 Fruit

Snack:
2 or more Cut Raw Veg, 1 serving Hummus or Guacamole

Dinner:
Protein, 1 Raw Veg., 1 Cooked Veg., 1 Starchy Veg.

Snack:
Green Tea, 1 fruit, 1 Serving Nuts or Seeds


A combo of Raw Food and Paleo Diets (totally raw is impossible with Hubs and Kiddo to feed- I can‘t imagine that going well).

Drink only water*, except Green Tea in place of coffee.  No dairy*, added fats, or processed anything.

*I’m allowing myself up to 12oz (4oz at a time) of milk or yogurt a day if needed (Paleo doesn’t allow it, but my Meds affect my stomach sometimes.  I think dairy is a better choice to soothe it than bread would be.).


I have a log I'll be filling in daily, but it can't get it into the blog for some reason...

Monday, October 31, 2011

West Coast Aftermath Weigh-in

So in the wake of my trip... I gained 3.1 pounds.

Am I sad that I have to hit the 260's for a second time in as many weeks?  Yes.

Am I upset with myself?  Absolutely not.

I made MUCH better choices then I would have previously.  I had meals at some restaurants I HAD to have (Taco Mesa and In-n-Out were non-negotiable), but (other than one regrettable binge night with the old roomie) didn't go crazy with food otherwise.

Beer calories... well... oh well.

I had an amazing time.

I reconnected with family I'm lucky to see more than once every 5 years or so.  I visited with friends that leave a hole in my heart every time I realize we're on opposite sides of the country.  I got to spend time and build relationships with some cousins in particular on equal footing as 'adults' (the term is relative, but whatever)- something that is another statement on how rarely I get to see them.

I realized there are options in life, I gained some clarity, I got some good advice, and I'd like to think I gave some as well.

So, whilst I may have had a week's 'setback' on my weightloss, it would be an insult to what I gained this past week (besides the weight, of course) to call it that.



The Halloween candy taunting me from the closet for an extra week because trick-or-treating in my town was postponed until Friday may be a different story...  Goddess, grant me willpower!  Eek!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Sweet!!!

I made it!  269.2!

I even have a tiny bit of wiggle room to try and, you know, STAY in the 260's while I'm away.

Which will be no mean feat with a wedding and a Vegas trip in there.  We'll see.  Eek.

Ok, now to run around the house grabbing last minute items and probably forgetting to pack stuff.

Have a great week, everyone!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Weigh-in Day #10- Chugga Chugga

272.5

Also, I KILLED my workout today (and hope to all week).

I will take it.  Do I wish it was more?  Yes, but I also acknowledge the cupcake, etc... and I'm ok with the trade-off.  I'm fighting like mad to go long term this time, and I know being super strict does NOT work for me.  I'll tortoise it up, it's cool, lol.

I did/do, however, reallllyyyyy want to be in the 260's by the time I go to California for my cousin's wedding... uhm, Friday.  So, I have 4 days of workouts (I'm counting Friday morning since I don't leave until the afternoon) and being 'good' to try and lose 2.6 lbs.

Oh, and I made cake for the Hubs Birthday tonight... sooo... good probably isn't going to be perfect... again.

Why the 260's?  Good question.  There's just something about them.  265 is my first 'big' goal.

The last time I was in really good shape (for me) I was working at a stable.  I spent all day on my feet, running around, controlling enormous animals, throwing hay bales (I can carry two at a time- diesellllll!!! lol), and just all around busting my ass doing physical labor 6 days a week.  I weighed 265.  Doing all that.  And it also means I'll be back at the weight I was before we started IVF and and the hormones and stress made me gain.

So I guess getting close to there on my own, without all that craziness, means a lot.  Plus I only see this part of my extended family every couple years... so I just want to look as good as possible, you know? Meh.

Can I do it? I don't know.  I'm going to try.  But I don't have the time or energy to kill myself here.  I have soooo much shit to do this week.

So, I shall do my best, and hope for 269.9

Friday, October 14, 2011

Getting Better at Budgeting My Calories

I had a cupcake tonight.

It was so good I asked it if it wanted to have children with me.

Would it have been better to not have the cupcake?

Probably.

I say probably because when I get a craving I have a terrible tendency to eat everything in sight until I get whatever it was that I wanted in the first place (aka sugar free pudding is NOT the same thing as a cupcake.  I LITERALLY can't even kid myself with that crap, lol.)- so if that happened the cupcake would be the better option... if I could just skip it altogether it would be a different story.  I'm getting better about that, too, but it's not the point.  I digress... anyway.

The point is, I ate well all day otherwise.

So even with the cupcake I was still under 1500 calories for the day.

A reasonable calorie goal AND something I was craving.

I'm calling that a win.

It might even be a sustainable way to live.  Who knew...

Monday, October 10, 2011

Friend Makin' Mondays


Now it’s time for FMM!  If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: All the Weigh so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!


This is my first time taking part in Friend Makin' Mondays- and I'm excited!  Here goes:

FMM: 8 Taboo Topics
  1. How often do you read/watch the news?  I almost never watch the news- but I read news from a few different sites on and off throughout the day.
  2. What is your opinion on beauty pageants?  I think that they could be fun, maybe even good, if they were more of a friendly competition and the intelligence and talent portions actually counted for something.  You know, inner beauty and all that.  As it stands, they're pretty ridiculous.
  3. Would you date/marry someone who has different religious views than you? I am married to someone with different views than my own.  The Hubs is Catholic, and I'm more 'spiritual' (I lean towards Native American and Ancient Celtic belief systems).  We both make accommodations for the other's beliefs, and don't expect eachother to believe in the same way.  It's all about mutual respect.
  4. Do you follow politics? Somewhat.  Just enough to be intelligently informed.  I find that if I pay too much attention things get pretty depressing...
  5. How often do you talk about sex in your daily life and/or on your blog?  Define 'talk about.'  I'm generally the first with a 'that's what she said' joke... but I doubt that counts, haha.  I'd say probably average- when it comes up in conversation with the girlfriends, etc...  On my blog, thus far almost never.  I'm not intentionally avoiding it or anything- I just haven't had any reason to.  My old blog was an infertility blog and was chock full of indelicate discussion, though, so it might be a little subconcious avoidance. ;-)
  6. Does it make you uncomfortable when someone asks you about your salary/income? Does it ever happen?  Yes and no.  It really depends on the situation and who's asking.  Certain friends and I often discuss budget and things, so it comes up and that's fine.  Unsolicited random acquaintances asking (and it does happen), that's a little offensive.  It's none of your business, there, Captain D-bag!
  7. Do you tag friends and family in pictures that you post on FB, or do you seek permission first?  I tend to tag those that I know are ok with it, anyone else I figure will just tag themselves (or not).
  8. Can you be friends with people who have opposing views on ‘taboo’ topics?  Of course.  Though over the years I have lost friends because of said 'taboo' topics.  Not because we disagreed, or because of their opinions- but because they could not respect me.  I have no problem with anyone's beliefs- but I DO have a problem with them being forced on me or being told that I am wrong.  Let's just agree to disagree, and if we can't have an intelligent debate we should probably avoid the topic altogether.



Weigh-in Day #9- Stabilization

Well, I only lost .2lbs this week (making me 273.2).

For a second, I wanted to be mad about it.  I did so well this week and blah blah...

Then I remembered my behavior was 'meh' last week, and I lost quite a bit.

So, it all balances out in the end...

Onward to this week (and hopefully some better numbers)!

Meh, I'll take it!



Also, yesterday's post was a lot more interesting... just sayin'.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Oops, I bought it.

I went shopping tonight, because I needed a dress to wear to my cousin's wedding at the end of the month.

I found a dress.

It is absolutely NOT wedding appropriate.

I did not need two dresses, I did not really have the money for two dresses.

But I did NOT put it back.

Because I feel fucking SEXY in it.  I feel like I look good, and damnit, how often do you find something that makes you feel like that?!

I know for me it's almost never.


It's wayy short, and sparkly, and maybe a little slutty, and I'll probably never have an excuse to wear it... but oh freaking well- it's mine now!

AND- I found an 'appropriate' dress and two shirts!  THAT ALL FIT IN ONE SHOPPING TRIP!  That is epic!  I never find multiple things that look good at once!

I've really been needing a confidence boost lately.  I haven't been feeling like I'm making any progress... and I obviously haven't gotten that far yet- but this is big.  Actually wanting to go out in public in something form fitting.

And- I started guitar lessons today.  I've been feeling kind of lost and out of touch with myself for a while now.  Guitar is something I always wanted to learn, but didn't have the time for.  So I decided it was time to do something for MYSELF.  To try and get back to feeling like me.

And I LOVED it.  My teacher was really cool, and said I wasn't half as bad as he was anticipating (which I will take, lol).  The guy that runs the place was cool too- and after my lesson we just stood and talked music for a while.  Me!  With two other grown-ups!  That I don't know!  About stuff I love!  And I didn't get all anxious or worry about seeming dumb or if they thought I was fat.  It was just normal... like I used to be.

Yeah.  I feel almost good about myself.

All in all, great day for me (bad night for my Visa)!!!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Gah!

Mini-binge!  I caught myself... but only about 400 calories in.  Crap.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Weigh-in Day- Week #8: Well, that's better!

I stepped on the scale Monday, fully expecting a week of relative plateau... even possibly another slight gain.

I had been significantly better last week than the weeks previous, but I still indulged much more than I prefer to admit.  I had, however, been getting all (ok, most) of my water and remembering to take my medication (I have PCOS and take Metformin to help regulate my insulin receptors).

I think I often forget how much the Met helps me.  I think I subconsciously avoid it sometimes, because it makes me feel kinda... well, blah.  It also makes me crave sugar (because of how it affects my blood sugar levels), which makes staying on track even a bit harder since that's the main thing I need to avoid...

But, I guess there's definitely something to be said for mindfulness (and, you know, proper metabolic function), because I'm down.

Down 4.6, to be exact.

That brings my weight to 273.4 (which means I'm .9 pounds lighter than I was before the behavioral debacles and gain).

I'm thrilled with that.  I feel like I'm back on track, and a little more realistic.

I can be really hard on myself sometimes, which in turn gets me all discouraged, which in turn...

Well, you all know how crazy works. ;-)

I'm just happy to know that so long as I am AWARE of what I'm doing, I make progress.

Not as much as when I'm borderline obsessive about it- but I can't sustain rigidity like that.  My life is too busy and I am far too easily distracted to calculate every calorie consumed and burned.  I'll save my obsessing for good bands and celebrity crushes, thankyouverymuch.

This is not really a new discovery.  I am always intellectually aware when I'm being ridiculous... but sometimes it just doesn't register.  I hope I can remember it this time.

So, my new plan:

Keep myself more organized.  In all areas, not just weight loss.  It's easy to 'not have time' for exercise (or...um, remembering to update blogs and vlogs)  when I have a million things to do.  It's harder to ignore it when it's on the 'to do' list instead of being a separate thing to keep track of.

Move every day (at least a little, though preferably a lot).  If I have time for the gym or a 'hardcore' workout, that's great.  Ideal even.  But when I don't, or when I really don't want to, I have to remember to just do something (I may or may not have multi-tasked cardio and breaking in a pair of heels by slapping them on and dancing around my living room like a hoochie for half an hour.  When no one was home, of course.  I'm calling that a chick WIN.).

Be more mindful of what I eat.  I don't have time to weigh and measure every little thing, but I know what I should and should not be eating; I know about how big a serving size is (it's roughly half of however much I want, haha.).  If I eat well all day, and then have a cookie and hot chocolate (probably with an obscene amount of whipped cream), big fucking deal.  It's still a good day.  It's still a reasonable intake.  I'm totally kidding myself to think that 'junk' is completely off the table... a little here and there will keep me from stabbing people anyway.

That's where my head is at right now.

I can do this, damnit.

(Accompanying blog will be up ASAP.  Having some issues with Windows Movie Maker.)

(Yes, I understand that using Windows Movie Maker is an issue in and of itself.  Because it's crap.)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Weigh-in... Again

I hopped on the scale on Monday.

278 even.

I gained nearly 4 pounds since last weigh-in.

And I don't find it nearly as upsetting as I should.  I wish I could say it's because I'm learning not to beat myself up... but it's not.  I think I'm just going through another 'I don't care' phase (which I've obviously had a few of in my life.  One does not get to nearly 300lbs whilst actively giving a crap- amIrite?).

But I don't WANT to be in that place- which I think is actually a pretty big step.  I'm aware of it.  I'm ready to try and resist the temptation to pack it in, again, for the thousandth time.

I am aware of my lack of drive, desire, and willpower- and I'm going to push through it.

I will!

I'm not sure how, but I will.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Bestie's Here to visit!!!

I'm admitting it to myself ahead of time:  this week probably won't go so well.

My best friend, Andrew, (whom I see roughly every 6 months) is here to visit for the week.

I'm going to do my damnedest to eat well during meals- but I am totally aware that snacks and drinks will be happening.  So, instead of getting down on myself, I'm hoping to maintain- and we'll go from there next week!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Oops, I disappeared.

A thousand apologies, oh patient ones...  Things have been INSANE around my house...  But I am here.  My drive and willpower... eh, maybe not so present the last week or two.  But I'm back!


Monday, August 29, 2011

Weigh-in Day- Week #3

Alright kids- here it is:

274.3!  I'm back under 275!!  Woot!  Small goals, people, small goals, lol.

Apparently, I weigh this many kettlebells.  


-2.2 this week!

That's 11.4 total!!!!  Not too shabby for three weeks.

I did some oopsie trigger type things this week (What do you mean I can't work out like I did when I was 19?!?!  Well, I can... while I'm doing it.  The next day, however... um... kinda immobile.), and my eating wasn't quite as good as I'd like it to be.

But, I did bust my butt working out (obvs), and the food was about where I can realistically sustain (so long as I don't allow 'treats' to turn into triggers... or whole 'cheat days.'  Those have not worked out so well for me in the past.  We'll see how that goes.).

Next week when I weigh in I also do measurements.  I'm hoping for at least 3 inches lost (Will I be doing crunches like a crazy person this week? Perhaps.).  I'm hoping to keep my exercise at it's current level the next couple weeks, but things might be a little wonky time-wise (getting the Small One's paperwork in order, no camp next week, long weekend, and the first day of school... sooo.).  I'll definitely exercise 5 days (want that money towards me tattoo!).. but how long/intense is up in the air...

Oh!  AND I get that eyebrow wax my unibrow and I have been looking forward to!  Hallelujah!

*Will be edited to add the video when I can edit... Kinda hard with the 5yr old home...

Monday, August 22, 2011

Weigh-in Day- Week #2

Alright y'all.  It's weigh-in day.

I admit, I was dreading it a little.  Not because I thought I'd be up, but because I was afraid I might break even (sometimes that's good enough... but not in week 2).

I wasn't stellar this week.  I was super busy, and couldn't get food shopping in (we had 'food,' just not a lot for fruits and veggies)... so choices were more difficult to begin with.

Compound that with Aunt Flo and her close friend Bloat, and a Saturday at my MIL's (where good for you food does not exist).

Add to that really wanting to stress eat because my Social Anxiety is kicking in big time right now (paperwork troubles and lots of phone calls.  Sh*t am I scared of making random calls!  Gak!)... and, well... you get the picture.

But things are not as dire as I had suspected!

2.4 this week (That puts me at 276.5).

Could I have done better?  Yes.  Could I have done worse?  Absolutely.  I really wanted to hit my next goal (275), but I'll get there next week.

And I think that's ok.

I'm working hard on not being unreasonable with myself.  I feel like this is a good start!



Monday, August 15, 2011

Weigh-in Day- Week #1

It's Monday... so onto the scale I go!

Started: 285.7
Today: 278.9

That's down 6.8 this week!!

I did pretty well this week about staying on track.  I had two small detours, one planned (we went to the fair), and on unplanned (due to said fair my schedule got wonky and I stayed up and snacked the next night).  I exercised at least a little every day, and I ate well except the aforementioned oopsies.

I am discovering where my really major issues lie. I SHOULD be thrilled with 6.8... but I'm not. Why?  Because I'm insane, that's why.

No, really... despite wanting to believe it's as good as it is, that little, niggling voice in the back of my head says things like, "6.8?  Why not 7?"  "If you exercised harder it could've been more."  "If you just hadn't had those treats..."

I'm beginning to really understand where my true issues are when it comes to food and exercise.  And I'm starting to find the triggers for my behaviors.  I'm certainly seeing why I've gotten so discouraged in the past.

Because if I don't feel like 6.8 is good (especially considering I 'know' it is) there's definitely something wrong with how I perceive things.




Friday, August 12, 2011

Motivation

I have tried and failed to lose weight many times before.  I have tried and succeeded (to some extent) a couple of times before- but then proceeded to regain the weight.

I'm pretty sure lack of motivation is a pretty large part of why that keeps happening.  Because I don't have that 'life-changing' reason that a lot of people have.

I am not disgusted with myself (though maybe I should be... back to that distorted body image thing), I have no immediate health problems resultant from my weight, I'm still quite active (I hike and kayak).  I just don't really care.  I like myself the way I am- big or not- but...

I would like to be able to shop wherever I want.  I know that family history (diabetes, heart disease) coupled with my weight almost guarantees that I will eventually develop those health problems.  I would like my body to be able to do the things it used to (jogging, rock climbing).  I am getting to a point where I'm starting to not be able to do things I want to do (fit on a roller coaster, ride a horse- well, I can do that physically, but I'm too heavy for an average size horse).  And, if we ever get the money up for another round of IVF, I'm not sure my body could handle the added weight from pregnancy.

So, in short, I HAVE to do this.  It's time.

Because I know I never seem to follow through on doing it just 'for myself,' or 'because I need to,' I am doing 'extra' things to help keep myself motivated.

The primary method I am employing is finding other people to hold me accountable.

I have (obviously) started this blog, I am posting weigh-in videos on YouTube, and I have created a Facebook group with a bunch of my real-life friends and we all check-in with one-another (most of us are either too cheap or too broke for Weight Watchers).

I have trouble doing things on my own- but admitting a 'failure' to other people??  Oh HELLS no.  I do NOT fail when other people are watching.  That is not ok.  Never show weakness (don't worry- emotion and vulnerability are not the same as weakness.  But still)!  Graaaaghghhhhhhh!!!

I also created a reward chart for myself.

I know a lot of people disagree with that system because, "Weight loss is it own reward."  To that I say, "Uhhhmm, whatever."  If that works for someone, great.  Awesome, even.  But my brain doesn't work that way.

So a chart it is.

There are no food rewards on it (well there are some, but they're more about the outing than the food itself.), because that to me seems counter-intuitive (you've eaten well for a month- now binge!!).  Well, it does now.  I tried that before... it didn't work so much, lol.

And the things I realllly want are further down the list (which is no good... I want my Baker's heels NOW!).   There are bigger rewards on the 'milestone' weights (50, 75, etc.).  There are also pictures of myself at different weights along the way... (I explain it in more detail in the video.)




I'm really hoping that with all these fail safes in place I'll be able to really do it this time...



Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Mind Full of Weapons

I'm trying to eat between 1500 and 2000 calories a day (1500 is the ultimate goal, but I think it's better to work my way there as opposed to cutting 1000 calories overnight.  That's a sure way, for me, to be actually hungry and cheat... or quit.).  I don't obsessively count every single calorie- but as I've done this (unsuccessfully- well, sometimes successfully, but I always put it back on) multiple times before, it's pretty easy for me to keep an estimated tally.

So, I'm clearly getting more than enough calories.  I should NOT be hungry.

But, I am fucking HUNGRY.

And that worries me.  Because I am clearly not physically hungry.  It's clearly all in my head.  

So what is it that makes my mind want to eat SO badly that it tricks my body into thinking I need to?!

How is that even possible? 

I really wish I could understand what that trigger is.  That addiction mechanism that triggers the need to have my 'drug.'  I'm not particularly stressed, I'm not depressed, I'm not even excited- so is it still 'traditional' emotional eating?  Or is it just in my nature to self-sabotage?


I think that that is the hardest part of food addiction.  The fact that you actually need the 'drug' to live.  

If you are trying to quit, say, smoking... and you crave a cigarette, you know for a fact that you don't actually 'need' the cigarette.  You want it, you need it in that you are having nicotine withdrawal, but if you don't get it nothing happens.  

If you're trying to 'quit' food... and you crave food... what do you do?!  How do you know if you need it or want it?  And if you don't eat... well that's just not an option...

So you just try to make good choices and hope for the best.  

And intellectually, I can do that.  I do do it (most of the time).

But if there's something I'm reallllly craving- my body (or my mind, anyway) convinces itself it's hungry until it gets what it wants.  If I want chips, no amount of popcorn or crackers or whatever cuts it.  So half the time I end up eating MORE than I would have if I just had the damn chips.

Basically, I have to win the battle with my mind, not the weight itself.  And that's a battle I've been losing my whole life- I need to find a new way to fight it... I just don't know how that is yet.

"I've got a mind full of weapons in the battle of me vs myself." 
Trouble by 311 (my favorite band) off the newest album Universal Pulse

This song speaks about learning to handle your addictions (which are of the more 'traditional' types, but I think it still applies).  And the animations definitely make me think of my battle with food (there's even a trip into his stomach at one point...  There music always seems to line up with whatever I'm going through in life.  Almost eerily so, lol.).  I'll use whatever I can find to try and keep myself motivated!!


Monday, August 8, 2011

Weigh-in- The Starting Point*

*or re-starting, for the thousandth time in my life... if we're being technical...

I'm doing well so far today.  I'm making good food choices, and am easing into exercise (I have a relationship with exercise that is almost as screwed up as my relationship with food.).  I usually go gangbusters with exercise, then get too sore to keep going.  I'm trying not to do that this time...

And now, for the weigh-in:

Weight: 285

Total Measurements: 307

I will be keeping track of both weight and inches because my goal is more to be 'in shape' than it is to lose weight.  Obviously, they go hand-in-hand, but that weight plateau isn't nearly as painful if your waist gets smaller, amIrite?

I will be doing weight weekly, and measurements will either be monthly or bi-weekly.  I feel like bi-weekly is better accountability wise, but might be too often to see changes (and I don't want to set myself up to be discouraged).  If anybody has thoughts in that I'd love to hear them.

Oh, and speaking of accountability...


Eek.  Off we go...

Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Journey Ahead

I have been battling with my weight for my entire life.  I have never, ever been small.  Looking back on things, though, I was fucking gorgeous.  In seriously incredible shape.

The look of disbelief at the time was probably directed at my Mother who was taking the picture.
Now, I feel like it's my old self wondering what the fuck happened to me.

Look at that!!  I look like I could bench press a truck (for the record, I think that's a good thing)!  And look at those freaking legs!!!  And I felt like a cow.  Seriously, wtf was I thinking??

 I was an elite athlete.  I was working so, so hard to lose that last few pounds so that my jump would be higher, my cuts faster...  That I didn't realize how good I really looked.  

I always thought I was fat- probably because I was heavier than the other girls I knew.  I didn't realize that 170 pound of muscle looks an awful lot like 140 pounds of just thin.

I have decided that it is time- time to feel like that again.  To feel healthy, and to feel like an athlete again.  To feel like the self that I have really lost touch with.  And theoretically to enjoy it this time.

**********

Within this blog I plan on keeping track of EVERYTHING having to do with my weight.

I'll be doing the obligatory check-ins; I'll report weigh-ins and talk about how my eating went.  I'll discuss PCOS and how much harder it makes everything (damn PCOS).  And, above all, I'm going to try and figure out why my relationship with food is so completely fucked up.

I accepted some time ago that I am a food addict, and that I have severely distorted body image (when I looked great, I though I looked awful... now that I honestly look pretty awful, most days I can look in the mirror and think I look great.  Weird.).  I have to figure out how self-esteem is really supposed to work.  And I really need to figure out how to 'quit' something that I need to live.

Here goes nothing...