LilySlim Weight loss tickers

LilySlim Weight loss tickers

Monday, August 29, 2011

Weigh-in Day- Week #3

Alright kids- here it is:

274.3!  I'm back under 275!!  Woot!  Small goals, people, small goals, lol.

Apparently, I weigh this many kettlebells.  

-2.2 this week!

That's 11.4 total!!!!  Not too shabby for three weeks.

I did some oopsie trigger type things this week (What do you mean I can't work out like I did when I was 19?!?!  Well, I can... while I'm doing it.  The next day, however... um... kinda immobile.), and my eating wasn't quite as good as I'd like it to be.

But, I did bust my butt working out (obvs), and the food was about where I can realistically sustain (so long as I don't allow 'treats' to turn into triggers... or whole 'cheat days.'  Those have not worked out so well for me in the past.  We'll see how that goes.).

Next week when I weigh in I also do measurements.  I'm hoping for at least 3 inches lost (Will I be doing crunches like a crazy person this week? Perhaps.).  I'm hoping to keep my exercise at it's current level the next couple weeks, but things might be a little wonky time-wise (getting the Small One's paperwork in order, no camp next week, long weekend, and the first day of school... sooo.).  I'll definitely exercise 5 days (want that money towards me tattoo!).. but how long/intense is up in the air...

Oh!  AND I get that eyebrow wax my unibrow and I have been looking forward to!  Hallelujah!

*Will be edited to add the video when I can edit... Kinda hard with the 5yr old home...

Monday, August 22, 2011

Weigh-in Day- Week #2

Alright y'all.  It's weigh-in day.

I admit, I was dreading it a little.  Not because I thought I'd be up, but because I was afraid I might break even (sometimes that's good enough... but not in week 2).

I wasn't stellar this week.  I was super busy, and couldn't get food shopping in (we had 'food,' just not a lot for fruits and veggies)... so choices were more difficult to begin with.

Compound that with Aunt Flo and her close friend Bloat, and a Saturday at my MIL's (where good for you food does not exist).

Add to that really wanting to stress eat because my Social Anxiety is kicking in big time right now (paperwork troubles and lots of phone calls.  Sh*t am I scared of making random calls!  Gak!)... and, well... you get the picture.

But things are not as dire as I had suspected!

2.4 this week (That puts me at 276.5).

Could I have done better?  Yes.  Could I have done worse?  Absolutely.  I really wanted to hit my next goal (275), but I'll get there next week.

And I think that's ok.

I'm working hard on not being unreasonable with myself.  I feel like this is a good start!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Weigh-in Day- Week #1

It's Monday... so onto the scale I go!

Started: 285.7
Today: 278.9

That's down 6.8 this week!!

I did pretty well this week about staying on track.  I had two small detours, one planned (we went to the fair), and on unplanned (due to said fair my schedule got wonky and I stayed up and snacked the next night).  I exercised at least a little every day, and I ate well except the aforementioned oopsies.

I am discovering where my really major issues lie. I SHOULD be thrilled with 6.8... but I'm not. Why?  Because I'm insane, that's why.

No, really... despite wanting to believe it's as good as it is, that little, niggling voice in the back of my head says things like, "6.8?  Why not 7?"  "If you exercised harder it could've been more."  "If you just hadn't had those treats..."

I'm beginning to really understand where my true issues are when it comes to food and exercise.  And I'm starting to find the triggers for my behaviors.  I'm certainly seeing why I've gotten so discouraged in the past.

Because if I don't feel like 6.8 is good (especially considering I 'know' it is) there's definitely something wrong with how I perceive things.

Friday, August 12, 2011


I have tried and failed to lose weight many times before.  I have tried and succeeded (to some extent) a couple of times before- but then proceeded to regain the weight.

I'm pretty sure lack of motivation is a pretty large part of why that keeps happening.  Because I don't have that 'life-changing' reason that a lot of people have.

I am not disgusted with myself (though maybe I should be... back to that distorted body image thing), I have no immediate health problems resultant from my weight, I'm still quite active (I hike and kayak).  I just don't really care.  I like myself the way I am- big or not- but...

I would like to be able to shop wherever I want.  I know that family history (diabetes, heart disease) coupled with my weight almost guarantees that I will eventually develop those health problems.  I would like my body to be able to do the things it used to (jogging, rock climbing).  I am getting to a point where I'm starting to not be able to do things I want to do (fit on a roller coaster, ride a horse- well, I can do that physically, but I'm too heavy for an average size horse).  And, if we ever get the money up for another round of IVF, I'm not sure my body could handle the added weight from pregnancy.

So, in short, I HAVE to do this.  It's time.

Because I know I never seem to follow through on doing it just 'for myself,' or 'because I need to,' I am doing 'extra' things to help keep myself motivated.

The primary method I am employing is finding other people to hold me accountable.

I have (obviously) started this blog, I am posting weigh-in videos on YouTube, and I have created a Facebook group with a bunch of my real-life friends and we all check-in with one-another (most of us are either too cheap or too broke for Weight Watchers).

I have trouble doing things on my own- but admitting a 'failure' to other people??  Oh HELLS no.  I do NOT fail when other people are watching.  That is not ok.  Never show weakness (don't worry- emotion and vulnerability are not the same as weakness.  But still)!  Graaaaghghhhhhhh!!!

I also created a reward chart for myself.

I know a lot of people disagree with that system because, "Weight loss is it own reward."  To that I say, "Uhhhmm, whatever."  If that works for someone, great.  Awesome, even.  But my brain doesn't work that way.

So a chart it is.

There are no food rewards on it (well there are some, but they're more about the outing than the food itself.), because that to me seems counter-intuitive (you've eaten well for a month- now binge!!).  Well, it does now.  I tried that before... it didn't work so much, lol.

And the things I realllly want are further down the list (which is no good... I want my Baker's heels NOW!).   There are bigger rewards on the 'milestone' weights (50, 75, etc.).  There are also pictures of myself at different weights along the way... (I explain it in more detail in the video.)

I'm really hoping that with all these fail safes in place I'll be able to really do it this time...

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Mind Full of Weapons

I'm trying to eat between 1500 and 2000 calories a day (1500 is the ultimate goal, but I think it's better to work my way there as opposed to cutting 1000 calories overnight.  That's a sure way, for me, to be actually hungry and cheat... or quit.).  I don't obsessively count every single calorie- but as I've done this (unsuccessfully- well, sometimes successfully, but I always put it back on) multiple times before, it's pretty easy for me to keep an estimated tally.

So, I'm clearly getting more than enough calories.  I should NOT be hungry.

But, I am fucking HUNGRY.

And that worries me.  Because I am clearly not physically hungry.  It's clearly all in my head.  

So what is it that makes my mind want to eat SO badly that it tricks my body into thinking I need to?!

How is that even possible? 

I really wish I could understand what that trigger is.  That addiction mechanism that triggers the need to have my 'drug.'  I'm not particularly stressed, I'm not depressed, I'm not even excited- so is it still 'traditional' emotional eating?  Or is it just in my nature to self-sabotage?

I think that that is the hardest part of food addiction.  The fact that you actually need the 'drug' to live.  

If you are trying to quit, say, smoking... and you crave a cigarette, you know for a fact that you don't actually 'need' the cigarette.  You want it, you need it in that you are having nicotine withdrawal, but if you don't get it nothing happens.  

If you're trying to 'quit' food... and you crave food... what do you do?!  How do you know if you need it or want it?  And if you don't eat... well that's just not an option...

So you just try to make good choices and hope for the best.  

And intellectually, I can do that.  I do do it (most of the time).

But if there's something I'm reallllly craving- my body (or my mind, anyway) convinces itself it's hungry until it gets what it wants.  If I want chips, no amount of popcorn or crackers or whatever cuts it.  So half the time I end up eating MORE than I would have if I just had the damn chips.

Basically, I have to win the battle with my mind, not the weight itself.  And that's a battle I've been losing my whole life- I need to find a new way to fight it... I just don't know how that is yet.

"I've got a mind full of weapons in the battle of me vs myself." 
Trouble by 311 (my favorite band) off the newest album Universal Pulse

This song speaks about learning to handle your addictions (which are of the more 'traditional' types, but I think it still applies).  And the animations definitely make me think of my battle with food (there's even a trip into his stomach at one point...  There music always seems to line up with whatever I'm going through in life.  Almost eerily so, lol.).  I'll use whatever I can find to try and keep myself motivated!!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Weigh-in- The Starting Point*

*or re-starting, for the thousandth time in my life... if we're being technical...

I'm doing well so far today.  I'm making good food choices, and am easing into exercise (I have a relationship with exercise that is almost as screwed up as my relationship with food.).  I usually go gangbusters with exercise, then get too sore to keep going.  I'm trying not to do that this time...

And now, for the weigh-in:

Weight: 285

Total Measurements: 307

I will be keeping track of both weight and inches because my goal is more to be 'in shape' than it is to lose weight.  Obviously, they go hand-in-hand, but that weight plateau isn't nearly as painful if your waist gets smaller, amIrite?

I will be doing weight weekly, and measurements will either be monthly or bi-weekly.  I feel like bi-weekly is better accountability wise, but might be too often to see changes (and I don't want to set myself up to be discouraged).  If anybody has thoughts in that I'd love to hear them.

Oh, and speaking of accountability...

Eek.  Off we go...

Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Journey Ahead

I have been battling with my weight for my entire life.  I have never, ever been small.  Looking back on things, though, I was fucking gorgeous.  In seriously incredible shape.

The look of disbelief at the time was probably directed at my Mother who was taking the picture.
Now, I feel like it's my old self wondering what the fuck happened to me.

Look at that!!  I look like I could bench press a truck (for the record, I think that's a good thing)!  And look at those freaking legs!!!  And I felt like a cow.  Seriously, wtf was I thinking??

 I was an elite athlete.  I was working so, so hard to lose that last few pounds so that my jump would be higher, my cuts faster...  That I didn't realize how good I really looked.  

I always thought I was fat- probably because I was heavier than the other girls I knew.  I didn't realize that 170 pound of muscle looks an awful lot like 140 pounds of just thin.

I have decided that it is time- time to feel like that again.  To feel healthy, and to feel like an athlete again.  To feel like the self that I have really lost touch with.  And theoretically to enjoy it this time.


Within this blog I plan on keeping track of EVERYTHING having to do with my weight.

I'll be doing the obligatory check-ins; I'll report weigh-ins and talk about how my eating went.  I'll discuss PCOS and how much harder it makes everything (damn PCOS).  And, above all, I'm going to try and figure out why my relationship with food is so completely fucked up.

I accepted some time ago that I am a food addict, and that I have severely distorted body image (when I looked great, I though I looked awful... now that I honestly look pretty awful, most days I can look in the mirror and think I look great.  Weird.).  I have to figure out how self-esteem is really supposed to work.  And I really need to figure out how to 'quit' something that I need to live.

Here goes nothing...