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Thursday, January 26, 2012

My super awesome thing to work towards...

So, I had mentioned before that I'm getting ready for something.  And it's awesome.  Super awesome.

Like I have trouble describing how excited I am kind of awesome.

I'm planning a trip.  For just me.  To figure some things out (hopefully myself included), and to do something I've always wanted to do.

What is it?

I'm going to load my ass into my car and travel around the country and stop to hike in as many National Parks as possible (and other places, too.  And, admittedly, probably crash on a few couches because one can only spend sooo much time alone in a vehicle).

I'm beyond excited.

And I have a TON of work to do.  I'm saving up, I'm mapping things out, and most of all, I'm trying to get into trekking shape.

I'm hiking like a fiend- 2 or 3 times a week.  I would go every day if it wasn't at least half an hour drive to any decent trails.

And I'm getting better.  I can to about 3 miles on easy to moderate terrain in an hour and a half.  My goal is 10 miles in 5 hours on moderate to difficult terrain.  I have a ways to go, but it isn't impossible.

I'm HOPING to leave in mid-August, but it depends on how fast I can save money... upside of not having the cash to just go means a decent amount of training time.

Which is good, really.  I can't imagine how much less enjoyable the trip would be if I couldn't handle the trails to 'the good stuff.'

My fucked up relationship with food has been getting the better of me lately, but I feel like things are at least almost evening out because of my activity.  And trip planning has been a welcome distraction during time that would usually be spent dwelling in my own drama.

Now if only I could get my shit together on both fronts at once we'd be in business!

I'm starting a separate blog for my journey (and somehow 'journey' feels like the appropriate word).  It's not much yet, as I'm trying to make it more 'official' as opposed to just a journaling space like this is (not that this isn't great... just... yeah).  I'd love it if y'all would follow it as well (Tasjaana Treks shall be up and running soon)- but no worries if it's not your thing.

Oh, and here's a little taste of a CRAZY hike I did with my cousin the other day.  I'm usually not afeared of anything (except spiders), but this awesome firetower we climbed (hilltop THEN 100+ feet of tower!) was high enough to make me a little wobbly (which is why he's laughing at me.  He hasn't seen me in chicken mode too many times in our lives, either.).

Monday, January 23, 2012

FMM- Short Answers

It’s Monday again, and you know what that means! It’s time for Friend Makin’ Mondays so let’s get started…
If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: Short Answers

  1. Mac or PC? PC... if I'm honest, I really can't work a mac.
  2. Do you paint your own nails? Hands, almost always, feet, sometimes (I'd really rather get the massage that comes with the pedicure when I can afford it).
  3. Beach or mountains?  Lakefront on a mountain?  I guess beach if that's not an option, haha.
  4. What’s the title of the book you’re currently reading? "A Dirty Job' but Christopher Moore.  I've read almost all of his stuff- he's hilarious.
  5. Do you dance? As much and as often as possible... though if I'm in public a little liquid courage doesn't hurt (I can dance for a chubby white girl... but I'm still a chubby white girl, kwim?  LoL).
  6. CNN or Fox News? Generally Neither.  They're both biased, though maybe CNN a tinnnyyy bit less so.  I tend to google my news- or watch BBC news when I can find it.
  7. Do you ride a bicycle? Not so much.  I can ride a horse, a snowmobile, anything- but put my on a bicycle and it's almost guaranteed I'll faceplant.  NO idea why, lol.
  8. Do you get a yearly flu shot? Nope.  I like to avoid medications and things if they aren't 100% necessary.
  9. Best movie you’ve seen in 2012? Um... It's still January, so I haven't really seen anything new...
  10. Do you prefer to workout at home or at the gym? Home, I guess.  The gym would probably be more effective, but it's hard to get myself to go (I talked about that in my last post)...
  11. Last airport you were in? Newark, NJ
  12. Married or single? Married
  13. iPhone or Android? I still have a Blackberry.  I am, admittedly, lusting after a 4s, though.
  14. Do you prefer to be in pictures or taking pictures? Taking mostly, but I'm not hellbent on not being in them.  I had that phase earlier in life, and apparently did not exist between 1996 and 2003...
  15. Favorite brand of sneakers? Pumas
  16. Do you like snow? If I'm 'using it,' yes (sledding, snowmobiling, if it gets me out of work)... if it doesn't and things are just slushy and slippery on a regular day, then no.  No I don't.
  17. Do you have/want to have kids? I have 3 foster Sons.
  18. Summer or Winter?  Neither/both.  They both have good and bad stuff... beach? Yay!  Sweating sitting on my couch? Boo.  Snowmobiling? Yay! Shoveling?  Boo.  You get the picture- I'm more of a spring kind of girl...
  19. Do you know how to swim? Yes, and I love it.  I could spend hourrrssss in the water (and do, fairly often).  I'm that weirdo that still does flips and cannonballs and dives for stuff at the bottom... at almost 30...
  20. Do you prefer to shop in store or online? I like shopping in store with friends and all that, but I tend to get more for less online, so I do the bulk basics that way and specialty stuff out.
Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! Don’t forget to go back and link up in the comments! 

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Feeling Like a Loser (and Not Losing Any Weight)...

Sooo... obviously, I need to get back on track.

And I'm trying to do that.

I've got my shopping list and a rough meal plan all sorted out.

I've got what I *want* to do exercise wise all mapped out.

Now the question becomes: will I do it?

I want to.  I really do- but I always sabotage myself.

My food addiction/compulsive eating disorder has been really, really bad lately.  I try to control it, but it's not easy.  There are times when, despite realizing what I'm doing, I am wholly incapable- both mentally AND physically- of stopping myself from eating something I know I shouldn't.  I'm in dire need of help in that arena, but cannot find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders other than anorexia/bulimia (They have the same root issues, just opposite reactions.  But a lot of doctors don't know how to handle that.  Yet another way overweight people are made to feel less important.  Oh, you have a problem?  Yeah, it doesn't matter enough to help you... I'm busy with these skinny people.)... and I cannot afford the one facility that admits compulsive eaters.

As for the exercise... I'm embarrassed to go.  I hate that feeling.  There are so many different types of athletics that I enjoy.  That at one point I was quite good at.  But I feel like if I go, the 'real' athletes, dancers, yogis, climbers, whoever... will laugh me out of the place(s).
I love dance, I was a dance minor in college- but that was with my friends around.  Not strangers in a brand new (to me) studio.  I've been staring at a 20 class Groupon for months... can't get myself to go.
I want to go rock climbing, but until I'm under 250, I can't really be belayed (I e-mailed... under a fictitious e-mail, might I add.  Because my regular one is my name... and if I do ever get the guts to go, then god forbid I be related to the e-mail with my weight in it.  Because they can't tell by looking at me.).  They can do it, but with 'special setups.'  Kudos to that gym, though, for accommodating people.  Most places won't do that.  If I do ever get up the guts they will DEFINITELY be the ones to get my money...  But that still doesn't mean I want to be the fatass in the 'special setup.'  No way, shoot me first.
Even the Y makes me nervous.  I'm scared to go into the wrong room for a class, or, worse yet, get in there and have people see me struggle.  I was an ATHLETE at one time.  I feel not only embarrassed, but ashamed that I can't do those things anymore.  And so very, very disappointed in myself that I let things get to this point.

I wish I could find a workout buddy, but I don't really know anyone who lives near me.

And I also need more accountability with my weigh-ins.  I'm debating Weight Watchers... but I don't really have the money for it, so I'm indecisive.  Blergh.

Aaannnddd that's where I'm at.  I want this to work.  I'm so, so tired of being like this.

But I can't get out of my own way...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A visit from my best friend is also a visit from my diet's biggest nemesis.

My best friend is here for the week!!  Or schedules and the fact that we live a couple hours apart means we only get to see each other every couple of months (he comes here for a long weekend two or three times a year- the last one was in September).

Which is maybe slightly a good thing.

We eat like complete assholes when we're together.  We really do.  We're not sure why... we've actually discussed it and can't pinpoint it at all.  But a bell goes off in or heads and BAM it's feeding time (I think partly because we have opposite eating 'styles,' if you will.  I snack constantly, but eat small meals; he eats huge meals but doesn't snack much... when we're together we both do both.  Oops.).

And we drink.  Which is not only calories in and of itself, but it also makes you eat more (who doesn't want something greasy when they have a stomach full of beer?).

But we are doing a *little* better this time (like I had some strawberries mixed in with my M&M's instead of double the M&M's... and green beans with the steak and potatoes instead of just potatoes, lol).

And he came hiking with me!  Which is awesome.  He's not usually much of an exercise kind of guy.  But I got him to come (I've been going 3x a week to prep for a trip I'm planning.  Which I'll go into more in the near future.)... and!  He actually liked it!  He says he's going to start going more, too.

And we're going again Friday.  Which is great because there's a harder trail I want to try out that I probably shouldn't be solo on the first time I trek it.

So, yes, we're eating like assholes, but at least we're up and moving (We usually geek out and play WoW and Magic the whole time.  Nerd alert!) and burning at least a little of it off...

Monday, January 9, 2012

Friend Makin' Mondays

FMM: Getting To Know You

1) What is one of your favorite ways to spend a Saturday? I started taking guitar lessons a couple of months ago, and they're at 11am Saturdays.  And I LOVE them.  It's an hour each week where I get to go, play some music, hang with another adult (my teacher is awesome), and just be/do me.  AND it makes sure I'm up and out of the house at a decent hour, and I usually keep going afterwards.
2) List your top three favorite TV shows.  Criminal Minds, Bones, 2 Broke Girls
3) Would you rather be in pictures or take them?  Take, though usually of things and places more than people...
4) Why do you blog?  When I started (an old blog about infertility) it was because I needed to vent about things and no one in my life could grasp what was happening since it was so foreign to them.  This blog is still about venting, but also accountability, and sort of a log of things...
5) Share five websites that you visit regularly…  facebook, youtube, postsecret, ragecomics, cracked
6) If you could have lunch with one person from your Twitter list who would it be? Most of my twitter peeps are either real-lifers or famous people (I admittedly use it to cyberstalk people.  We all do it... but I admit it.).  I guess @nicepeter would be a good pick, though... he's quasi-famous (he does really funny youtube videos- I suggest checking out Epic Rap Battles of History), but seems like he'd be fun to hang out with in real people land, lol.
7) List a few of your favorite snacks.  Uhm... this is a weightloss blog... I think we can all guess I like a variation of snacks...  Um, favorite bad thing: Jalapeno Chips.  Favorite good thing: pineapple.
8 ) Do you have a pet? If so, what kind? Two dogs (Pit Bull and Boxer) and a cat.  Tugger, Trina, and Alex.  They're my baabbiieessss (especially the pittie- he cries if I 'leave him' long enough toclose the bathroom door.).
9) Which three material possessions would you struggle to live without? Computer, iPod, Hiking Boots
10) What’s your favorite drink? Non-alcoholic: Chai Tea (made 'right' with milk simmered on the stove).  Alcoholic: Squirrelly Temples (A drink my bestie and I came up with- Shirley Temples WITH vodka.  Get it?  Squirrelly?  Delish).
11) Do you enjoy cooking? Love it.  I'm working my way through various ethnic cuisines. 
12) Do you have children? Three foster sons (that don't live with me anymore); 19, 17, and 5.
13) What are your favorite hobbies?  hiking, writing, sewing...
14) Would you consider yourself to be shy or outgoing? I disguise my painful shyness by acting borderline obnoxiously outgoing.  The obnoxious part is an unintentional side effect of terror.
15) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change? Other than my weight, my shyness/social anxiety.  I miss out on a lot of things because I'm afraid to do them alone.  I'm working on it.
16) Who is your favorite actor/actress? It's hard to narrow it down... there are a bunch of different actors/actresses I respect for particular strengths/qualities (I was a theater major, and I get all technical about these things, haha).
17) What’s the coolest thing you’ve done this week?  It's 4am Monday morning... I haven't done much.  Actually, that IS the coolest thing I've done so far.  I spent my Sunday doing nothing but indulging myself (watching crappy tv and avoiding chores)... it was pretty cool.
18) Do you live near your family or far from them? I'm about an hour from my hometown, so my parents aren't too far.  There are other people I consider family, though (I'm an only child, but I have friends I consider siblings), and they're scattered all over the country.
19) List three of your talents. cooking, singing, and apparently I make people laugh
20) What is your greatest attribute? strength

Now it’s your turn to share your answers.  Don’t forget to go back to All The Weigh and link up in the comments!  

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year, New Start... Theoretically.

I only have one resolution this year.

Take myself more seriously.

That means that I need to stop lying to myself, to follow through better instead of letting myself down, and doing what I need to do for me- no matter what.  In all areas of my life, weight included.

Life is a jumble in my little corner of Jersey.

The Hubs is working a couple of states away for the next 6 months- which is actually a good thing right now (a breather is not a bad plan, at the moment).

I am in the midst of a binge of epic proportions.  And this time I'm going about it differently.

I'm not going to throw on the parking break as I scream down the hill and slam to a halt like usual.  I normally cut off the eating and throw myself into an obsessive tracking and exercise program, then act surprised when I fall off the wagon within a few weeks.

I'm going to try and slow down, but concentrate on WHY I'm doing it.

While I've always known I have food issues, I never really realized the magnitude of them, or how deep seated they are.

I know that until I figure out why, I will never manage to 'beat' this disease.

So, whilst I am trying to instill healthier habits (and hopefully weight will come with that), right now my focus is on getting mentally healthy first.

Wish me luck, people.

And Happy New Year.